


this feels a lot like home

by rogueseas



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 4+1 Things, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Break Up, Fluff, Growing Up Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Musician!Tsukishima, One-sided Bokuto Koutarou/Tsukishima Kei, Pining, Some angst, as always, fuck it, is it fluff i dont know, welp i dont know what tags qualify
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-20 02:52:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19368508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueseas/pseuds/rogueseas
Summary: the five times kuroo tetsurou falls in love, and amidst it all: tsukishima kei.





	1. one and two.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [feel it coming](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9932243) by [moonisland](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonisland/pseuds/moonisland). 



> \- the origins of this work was inspired by the summary of a krtsk fic called 'feel it coming' by moonisland. sdkjkssa, when i started writing this fic, i hadn't really read it yet but i liked the summary so much, i thought, maybe i could try this type of style out. and it's been fun, hard, but fun. anyway, check it out, it's really So Good. i loved it when i finally got to read it. it only feels right to advocate it, IT'S REALLY GOOD, i loved the ushitsukki.
> 
> \- no betas, we die like men. 
> 
> \- in my opinion, we all make homes out of all the people we love in our lifetime. and it doesn't matter if it's romantic or not. honestly though, this fic was born out of an attempt for me to convince myself it's okay that someone i love has loved people that aren't me and that doesn't mean they love me any less. kuroo surely doesn't pull any punches giving love and it's sweet. and it's okay. i'm enough. you are, too. 
> 
> \- also, i didn't add relationship tags that aren't going to be too big because it's a kurotsukki fic, folks. i don't wanna mislead anyone. but for detail purposes, it's kuroken, bokuroo, oikakuroo, kurodai.

i. 

at age ten, kuroo was sure of three things in his life: one, no matter what he did or how much effort he put in, he was going to have bed hair for the rest of his life; two, he’s spent a few summers in the countryside enough to know he loves tokyo very much; and three, kenma was going to be by his side until he’s old and bald even if it’s the last thing he did.

so when his parents suddenly told him they’re moving to miyagi one night during dinner, he’s thrown in for a loop. _your dad got relocated,_ mom says. _the pay is better and we’ll be living in a bigger house,_ she says this excitedly like kuroo didn’t have to leave a whole life behind (granted, he was only ten years old, but _still),_ like _he_ _didn’t have_ _to leave kenma._

he tried everything, bargained, told his parents he could _stay with kenma! (his parents wouldn’t mind, they love me! and i’m going to be a good boy and study hard. no troublemaking, i promise!),_ except his mom only sighed and stooped low to kneel in front of him to tell him _it’s not that easy._ that it would be too heavy for kenma’s family to have to do that and it would suck that he’d have to be far away when mom will miss him very badly. kuroo doesn’t want his mom sad so he only throws a tantrum for a few hours before giving in and hugging his mother’s leg, apologizing for the tantrum before mumbling that he’ll move with them.

his mother grins widely, stooping low again because she can’t pick him up and spin him around anymore since he turned five and boops his nose. she laughs softly and glows and kuroo feels light as his mouth quirks into a bigger smile, thinks (not for the first time) that perhaps his mother was an angel.

when he’s about to tell kenma, he remembers none of the lightness brought about by his mom’s smile, there’s a heaviness sitting on his chest and he fidgets with his hands as he threw constant glances at the boy sitting by the beanbags in kenma’s bedroom.

for as long as he could remember, kenma’s always been with him and he, with kenma. their families were friends so it was only natural that they were, too. and even when they were opposites, kuroo had been attracted to kenma like a child was with ice cream, giddy and blindly optimistic. kuroo was the slightly more outgoing to kenma’s introversion, the troublemaker to his tendency to blend in with the walls. they kept each other balanced, made sure kuroo didn’t get into too much trouble, made sure kenma didn’t play games too long until he hurt his eyes.

so kuroo couldn’t quite figure out how to say that he’s moving three hours away without all the pain that would come with saying it.

“you’re moving, right?” kuroo chokes on his breath and he coughs out for what felt like a few minutes and he sits up from where he was lying down on kenma’s bed.

“…you know?”

“yeah, mom told me.”

kuroo observes him quietly, tilting his head. kenma was playing games on his phone and as far as kuroo was concerned, the boy didn’t look pained nor sad… nor did he even look like he was thinking too deeply about it.

“…h-how do you feel about it?”

kenma looks at him briefly in inquiry as if he was wondering what kuroo meant before turning back to his phone.

“i hope you get there safe?”

kuroo sputters.

“but! but, i’ll be leaving you! i won’t be there to walk with you to school now or to go home and stay at the park and it’s sad and… and aren’t you sad that i’m moving away?”

kenma looks at him then and kuroo thinks he must’ve looked pitiful because the boy puts away his phone before talking and _actually_ looking at him.

“…but mom said we can call each other on the phone all the time and we could go visit each other on holidays…” something light settles on kuroo’s chest when he realizes kenma _did_ think about this, too.

“…but who’s gonna take care of you? don’t you… don’t you need me?” kuroo looks down on his hands and there’s a desperation in his voice he couldn’t quite recognize because he has _never_ been this sad. the reality of him moving away settles on his chest and his heart feels heavy because he _didn’t_ _want to leave_ like this.

“i’ll be fine.” he doesn’t respond.

“i’ll be fine and you will be, too…”

“mom says that since you’re moving away, you can make more friends to introduce to me and then, we can be a big friend group because i know you like making friends and then we can all spend the holidays together and—”

kuroo stands up and moves to hug kenma tightly, cutting him off mid-sentence. he doesn’t say he didn’t need more friends, _only kenma,_ because this is the longest he’s heard the boy speak. he knows kenma’s trying to make him feel better and if he’s trying this hard then that just means kuroo has to be strong, too.

“okay, okay. we’ll be just fine,” he says and kenma lets him hug him for a few more minutes before pushing him away and resuming his game. kuroo stews in the silence and counts in his head how many days more he has left to lie down on this bed with the boy he grew up with and can’t imagine a life without.

 

 

“you have to promise me, kenma! we’re going to call each other every day, okay? how will i live without you? you should just move to miyagi, too!”

both of their moms laugh as kuroo clings to kenma on the day of their departure (because it’s his 10th time telling kenma this), his dad had just put the last of their luggages in the moving truck and they were ten minutes away from actually moving to miyagi and kuroo doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. he’s all jittery and nervous but not quite sad, perhaps that’ll come later.

meanwhile, kenma hums dismissively in response and kuroo grins still, satisfied. he’ll just have to remind him again later over the phone.

soon enough, his parents are already in the car, waiting only for him to get in so that they could leave. kuroo hates how time flies.

“you have to promise me! okay?” kuroo says again, wrapping kenma in his arms even more tightly before pulling away to pat the younger boy’s head. “promise me!”

“…i promise…” kenma mumbles.

suddenly, there are tears welling up in kuroo’s eyes because _how will kenma survive without me? what will life be like now that i’m moving? who’s going to take care of kenma? who’s going to make sure he eats? i don’t wanna go. what will life be like without kenma? how will_ i _survive without kenma?_ but he only sniffles before wiping his eyes and straightening his back, puffing his chest out. _you can’t cry because kenma might cry and he shouldn’t cry kuroo, not because of you, never because of you._

and then he’s leaving behind his life, waving goodbye at kenma and his family until he can’t see them anymore. the tears come then (because he’s only a kid and he loved his life in tokyo and he is terribly, _terribly_ sad but _he’s gonna be fine_ because mom and dad and kenma thought so, so he will be, but for now, he’ll cry) but his mom hugs him until he fell asleep.

the next time he wakes up, he’s greeted by trees and no tall buildings like in tokyo. however, there’s an old lady who lives next door that greets them warmly and their new house is way bigger and warmer and it has both his parents smiling widely and they take their first family picture in front of the house and he thinks, _maybe things will be just fine._

 

 

instead, he misses tokyo terribly. and he wonders how he could miss home when his home now should be here.

the first three weeks, kuroo calls kenma twice everyday, makes sure kenma is eating and studying. kenma calls sometimes, prefers mailing him twice a week because he was never fond of talking too long and kuroo understands. kuroo always understands.

when school started, he found it more comforting to stay alone than mingle, found it easier to stay quiet than be loud. his classmates have their own circles already anyway and he was content with being alone.

but then sometimes, kenma would ask about his friends. but he’s in too deep, thinks he’s too in love with tokyo to fall in love with anything else. kenma’s sharp and perceptive, always has been. by the fourth week, he only answers the phone thrice a week, mails him once every two weeks, tells him he has to try because while the younger boy isn’t going anywhere, he was still hours away and kuroo had too much love to give for only one person to receive it. what kenma doesn’t understand is that _that’s what kuroo wants_. but kuroo tries to understand kenma anyway, he always does. because _it’s_ kenma.

that doesn’t make it easy, though. because he’s pretty sure he doesn’t need to be with anyone else.

 

 

instead, he finds himself spending time by the trees near the playground where all the kids always play. he doodles on notebooks and draws things that come up in his head because his homeroom teacher in tokyo said he was good (he hasn’t shown it to his homeroom teacher in miyagi just because it’s his and mr. kagami’s secret) and so he spends his days drawing away until his hands ache and until the noise from the playground ceases and everyone’s gone home.

 

 

“are you alright?” a small boy asks, blonde hair and long limbs approaching him from where he was sat under the trees one day.

“no,” he pauses drawing, glancing at the boy briefly before proceeding to turn his attention back on his paper immediately in the end. “go away.”

the boy follows what he says.

 

 

“’are you alright?” blonde hair and long limbs.

kuroo ignores him.

 

 

he dozes off one day in the playground while waiting for his mom to pick him up after school (because she said they were going out for dinner), wakes up in a world consumed with golden light and the soft rustle of trees being swept lightly by the wind.

there’s a boy with blonde hair and long limbs sitting beside him, the very same boy that had come up to him several times, persistently but never too much. his eyes are trained far away, ears occupied with the music coming from his headphones as he hummed a tune kuroo couldn’t recognize.

kuroo lets himself sit back as he gradually watched the world go dark.

when his mom arrives, the blonde boy bows politely and bids his goodbye without ever looking at him before walking away. kuroo’s left to wonder what it was that made the boy stay, had he only wanted to watch the sunset? it’s only years after that he realizes the boy stayed because he didn’t want kuroo to be alone (and he only finds out because this very same boy spends his whole life making sure kuroo knew he will always be right by him).

 

 

when he tells kenma, kenma tells him to stop ignoring the boy. so he follows.

 

 

“why are you always coming up to me?” he asks the next time the boy comes close.

the boy looks startled for a bit that he responded for once before his face melts back into indifference.

“my brother said to make friends.” and kuroo tilts his head, curious.

“why me, then?”

“because i knew you’d reject me,” he pauses for a little bit. “i don’t need friends.”

kuroo doesn’t know why he laughs but he does. probably because he thought the same. maybe. the boy looks at him strangely but kuroo pats the grass right next to him and the boy sits down without fuss.

“i’m kuroo tetsurou!”

“tsukishima kei.”

“tsukki!”

“i just told you it’s tsukishima.” and he says it in a sort-of mutter with an undertone of sulking that has kuroo grinning.

“tsukki!” the other boy sighs, exasperated, and kuroo laughs, amused. he hasn’t laughed like this since moving.

 

 

his days with tsukishima comprised mostly of silence as they went about their own ways. kuroo drew and tsukishima listened to his music and they stayed together until the sun went down and that was the closest thing he had to a first friend in miyagi.

 

 

kenma heads out with his family to london for vacation and kuroo’s left with the silence of his absence.

 

 

his mom used to liken him to a boiling pot, he poured out energy endlessly and he needed the medium to take them out and for the last few months, he took it out through talking kenma’s ears off but kenma’s not there.

tsukishima was, though.

and even though it’s break, tsukishima still comes to the park. that’s why kuroo did, too.

now, tsukishima listens to his music and kuroo watches him. at least until tsukishima had had enough of it.

“why are you staring at me? you’re so strange.”

“i’m bored.”

“so go draw.”

“nah.”

tsukishima sighs and kuroo waits, for what, he doesn’t know, but he does. the blonde boy sighs again before putting away his headphones, taking some contraption out of his pocket and pressing it repeatedly before looking back at kuroo.

kuroo tilts his head questioningly.

“what? you wanted to talk, right? talk, i’ll listen.” and he’d be amazed but the contraption on tsukishima’s hand seemed like more of a big deal.

“…what’s that?”

“oh, it’s a hand exerciser…?”

kuroo only looked at him dumbly.

“…i, um, play the piano so i have to strengthen my fingers so i can play well.”

kuroo’s eyes widen and he feels himself grin widely.

“that’s so awesome! you’re so cool!” tsukishima’s cheeks flush red and kuroo grins wider, giddy with anticipation.

“i want to watch you play! i want to watch you play! that’s so cool, i’ve never met a pianist before!”

tsukishima scrunches his nose up in a way that makes kuroo feel even more happy because he’s _so cute_ when he’s shy _._ he tells him that he doesn’t play that well yet, but he does let kuroo listen in on the music he listens to (which turned out to be a long list of classical music that for the life of him, kuroo couldn’t quite keep up with, _why did they name the pieces like that anyway?_ ) that has kuroo grinning from ear-to-ear even as he headed on home because that felt like a whole new world and he thinks maybe getting to live in someone else’s world and gradually being able to understand the things that make them happy didn’t sound so bad. _maybe moving to miyagi wasn’t so bad._

 

tsukishima doesn’t let him listen in on his playing but he’d started bringing earphones instead of his headphones recently, lets kuroo listen in as well while he draws.

kuroo soon realizes he’d learned to draw tsukishima all on his own without having to think too hard about it. he knows the boy’s features like he does his own, remembers how gentle his hands could be, remembers the look on tsukishima’s face when his favorite piece comes on in his playlist or when he talks about his older brother who plays the violin, remembers that the boy puts binds on his fingers because he doesn’t want to injure them, thinking it was better to be careful than not, remembers how he’s never really seen the boy smile widely, the way kuroo does, but that when he does smile even if only a bit, the world seems much brighter (he still hasn’t learned how to depict that accurately on paper).

he prattles on to kenma and his mom about everything he knows about the blonde boy because he doesn’t quite know about anything aside from that ~~(he thinks he hears his mom say one night that tsukishima’s the one tying him onto miyagi, _thank god he’s finally fitting in)_~~ _._ now, when he thinks of miyagi, he thinks of blonde hair and long limbs with a list of songs he plays all day. and he doesn’t know when but somewhere along the way, he’d somehow _(finally)_ found a home in miyagi.

 

 

the first time he finally gets to see tsukishima play the piano, it’s in the blonde boy’s house. he has a grand piano in one of the rooms and he looked far too small for something as grand as that but what did kuroo know, right? and what did kuroo know, indeed, because when tsukishima started playing, kuroo found himself wanting to immortalize the image of the boy on paper—his eyes were focused but they were shining brightly and familiarly, in a way similar to when he always talks about playing, he held the piano with a soft caress as if he were afraid to break it, kuroo almost felt like he was intruding on an intimate moment between tsukishima and his music despite not quite understanding what it was about.

the music is done before he knows it and tsukishima is looking at him almost neutrally, except that kuroo briefly sees anticipation in his eyes and he just knows he’s waiting for a reaction. he grins widely, laughing delightedly.

“you’re sooooooooo good.” _the world would love you._ “can you play more? can you teach me?”

tsukishima rolls his eyes but scoots over to let kuroo sit on the stool before teaching him how to play twinkle, twinkle little stars. kuroo discovers a colorful world in ivory keys and for some reason, finds himself getting even closer to tsukishima, like he’d finally been able to slip into a world that only a handful people could enter, and god, _god, was it beautiful._

that night, as he stared at his ceiling, he thinks that he’s never met someone who could love something so much they would offer their whole life working towards it and then he looks at tsukishima and the way he glows when he’s right in front of the piano and comes to understand that it’s when you’re with something you love that you’re at your most beautiful. at the very least, that, he understands.

 

 

when they go back to tokyo during the christmas holidays to spend it with kenma’s family, he doesn’t tell them that he counts down the days he can go back to miyagi because he promised kei they’d watch the fireworks together for the new year.

instead, he spends the rest of his days playing with kenma in his bedroom and it feels a lot like nothing has changed because perhaps nothing really did, at least between him and his life with kenma, it still feels a lot like home, comfortable and familiar. and he thinks to himself, there’s nothing wrong with having two homes after all.

 

 

the next time he sees kei play the piano, he thinks of two things: one, the blonde boy didn’t look quite right in a suit but he looked nice, still, and perhaps kuroo feels different only because he wasn’t used to this; two, he might’ve looked small against the grand piano and that big stage but his presence was enormous and the music hall eventually looked too tiny to encase something as great as kei’s music the moment he started playing.

so when kei finishes and kuroo’s holding onto a big bouquet that’s too big to hold with only one hand while relishing in the fact that he’s friends with someone whose name hasn’t left everyone’s mouth since he’d left the stage, he’s prepared to grin his way into making kei laugh or smile or roll his eyes, anything. but one thing was for sure, kuroo wanted the boy to know he was proud and he was going to let him know.

 

 

 ii. 

bokuto koutarou is nothing like kei (but in bokuto’s defense, kuroo was, too, so he doesn’t really have the right to complain) and honestly, kuroo never really expected that kei would have someone even rowdier than him but he supposes that’s probably something out of kei’s control—is what he realizes a bit after someone whizzes past him and grabs kei and up onto the air before spinning him around for a while before setting kei (who’s wheezing) back onto the ground, seemingly satisfied with a wide smile on his face.

 “congratulations, kei-chan! you did so well and you were like ‘dum’ and then ‘pah pah pah pah!’ and then ‘zwaaaa’ and then ‘tutun’ and the audience were just ‘waaaaaaaaa’, you were so awesome! like always!” the boy says before handing him a single red flower (an amaryllis, he later learns, which meant hard-earned success).

kuroo watches kei’s mouth turn upwards into a wide smile, hears a small chuckle bubbling up his throat until he’s laughing loudly, flushed and shy, still, as he covers his mouth and he watches the other boy grin back even wider, delighted. kuroo finds no space in between them for him to fit himself in but he finds his mouth quirking up into a small smile as well.

and then kei sees him and starts bounding towards him, the other boy following behind closely. kuroo finds it in himself to smile widely, offering a bouquet of red roses with a meek congratulations and kei smiles at him that same small smile he always gives kuroo ~~and he briefly wonders what it takes to get the same unguarded laugh he’d given the other boy~~.

bokuto koutarou is nothing like kei. he stands tall and all strong-looking, almost as if he was about to wage war as he stepped forward and puffed his chest out.

“oh? who’s this?”

“i’m kuroo tetsurou, nice to meet you?” kuroo’s afraid the boy had gotten a whiplash from turning his head towards kei so sharply.

“this is kuroo tetsurou?!” and then he turns to him, eyes narrowed, “you’re the one stealing all of kei’s attention? stealing my bestfriend?” he says so in a booming voice and kuroo would’ve faltered except that kei turns and hits the boy on the back of his head before he could blink, leaving the poor boy to pout and whine as he clinged to the younger boy who just hit him.

“kei-chaaaan! i’m sorry, don’t leave me.” and then he’s turning to bow towards kuroo (the change of behavior has him confused).

“i’m bokuto koutarou, but you can call me bokuto or kou. we’re friends now.”

 

 

bokuto, he soon learns, is adventure on two feet. and when he infiltrates your life, it’s nearly impossible to kick him out. it’s strange, kuroo notes, how it gradually became difficult to imagine life without bokuto around. it used to always be just him and kei and _yet._

he finds out there’s more than just the tree kei and him sat under, there were so many ghost stories to learn (of which he always tells kei about but kuroo can’t be _too sure_ if kei ever listens), much more music to dance to (kuroo still liked the music kei listened to better though, kou says he feels the same), much more people to laugh with (sometimes, he appreciated the silence); only because koutarou was never without company.

bokuto and him are in the same year and he finds himself staying with him during school breaks which he used to do alone, finds himself in the company of newer friends that liked karaoke and going out to try out new pastries and food and things that kuroo never really thought of doing and finds that it _really_ isn’t so bad to be in miyagi.

 

 

he learns again, soon enough, that while bokuto had lots of friends, the boy still preferred spending his time with kei. the only reason he wasn’t around nearly as much as kuroo was, was because he was a regular in the school volleyball club and that he lived opposite from the both of them.

kei tells him this one night, when bokuto had managed to convince them (kei, mostly, because it really wasn’t hard to convince kuroo) to get ice cream in the middle of the night and they were sat on the same swings kuroo only used to glance at all the way from under the trees.

bokuto nods his head enthusiastically before pouting, “yeah, i wanna spend most of my time with ke—the both of you. it sucks!”

they stay under the swings for a long, long time that kei ends up dozing off. bokuto tells him _this happens all the time_ , that kei wasn’t used to staying up so late as he laughed, the younger boy on his back. kei had wrapped his arms around bokuto’s neck tighter, huffing quietly, having perhaps felt the rumble of laughter from the back. kuroo grins, chuckling at how child-like tsukishima kei could look when he’s with bokuto, quietly watches as bokuto glances at kei, gaze soft with firm arms wrapped around the other’s legs and thinks, _maybe this is what love feels like._

 

 

kuroo often finds himself in-between kei and bokuto, with the latter always causing trouble and the former rolling his eyes every single time. kuroo wasn’t so much a mediator as he was a troublemaker himself. bokuto and him take turns riling the younger boy up, find happiness in the way kei sometimes flushes red as he turns away, huffing slightly. kei never really got angry.

sometimes, when the three of them are together, kuroo finds himself catching bokuto’s eyes drift towards kei (more often times than not). he’d call him once, twice, and bokuto always blinked, almost like he was surprised that his thoughts drifted and that he was just looking at somewhere his eyes tended to look—almost as if looking at kei were mere instinct rather than conscious thought.

 

 

on their first year in high school, bokuto manages to convince him into joining the volleyball club. they only used to rally with each other because bokuto needed to practice and he was all happy to help when kei was busy practicing and listening to his pieces and kuroo wanted to do more things than draw.

when it comes to things he likes, kuroo likes putting everything into it so when he gets complimented for his blocks and the vastness of his potential, he finds himself falling in love with volleyball.

they build a rhythm, because they always do. their team is good and hardworking so they could practice even late into the night and things are okay. bokuto and kuroo lead the team into the inter-high and then to semi-finals and then _almost_ to nationals that the school gives them the keys to the gym and allows kei in the premises even if he were no high-schooler.

kuroo and bokuto don’t stop until they’re on the floor, spent and well-practiced while kei is lying on the floor far away from them, imaginary keys in the air as he practiced playing with his fingers held above him.

and then there are days when kei’s not there and the room feels a bit empty but kuroo and bokuto fill in that hole with their laughter and their jokes and their dreams of going to nationals and thinks _this feels a lot like home._

 

 

bokuto koutarou is adventure and warm laughter and sneaking out late at night for ice cream and taking everything to the next level and falling into each other just because they can.

so when they kiss just for the heck of it in their second year, it’s awkward but comfortable and almost familiar. breathing bokuto in and letting him inside his life (and his heart) had been easy and it was so, so easy to love him.

 

 

dating was sort-of an experiment, because why not? kuroo and bokuto are a mix of sunflowers and madness and diving head first before thinking and kuroo thinks that if there were anyone to break his heart, it definitely wouldn’t be bokuto.

“so you’re dating now?” kei asks one day, his voice tinged with curiosity but not surprise.

bokuto and him laugh that day, kuroo remembers, almost in-sync and wonders if they’ve always been like this and he hadn’t just noticed.

“so you are.” kei deadpanned. he turns back to his piece but kuroo thinks he sees a small smile on the corner of the younger boy’s lips, _like he was happy for them._ and he was, so kuroo points that out and feels happiness bloom in his chest when bokuto and him take turns tickling kei until he’s on the floor, exhausted and red from laughing so much. _this really, really_ _feels a lot like home._

one day, when bokuto’s stuck in summer classes and it’s just kuroo and kei all over again, kei surveys him for a while before telling him he’s going to kick kuroo’s ass if he breaks bokuto’s heart. kuroo pauses, takes this in for a few seconds, and then kei’s mumbling that he’ll kick _bokuto’s_ ass if he were the one to hurt kuroo. and kuroo grins, chuckles, laughs with all his heart because he is so, _so_ happy he’s in miyagi, that he has kenma and kei and bokuto and everything else.

 

 

it isn’t much different dating bokuto. they play video games in each other’s houses while kei mostly blended in the background (almost like he wasn’t there but that’s not anything new), studied together (video calls, actually, because you can’t trust the both of them to study while they were in the same room) and practiced together. they make room for kei to fit in because he’s their bestfriend and it just feels right, some days, kei has to be the one to make sure he doesn’t intrude much on them.

kuroo gets kisses and cuddles because bokuto is a cuddler and kuroo is, too. perhaps that was the only thing different.

some days, when kuroo and bokuto are lying on the floor of the volleyball courts, spent and well-practiced while kei laid on the floor far away from them (as per usual) and bokuto’s hand moves to intertwine his fingers with kuroo’s, he finds himself laughing softly and thinks, _maybe this is what love feels like._

sometimes, kuroo finds that the lines blurred together when he thought of whether home was miyagi _or_ bokuto.

 

 

they get to nationals for the spring tournament (bokuto had kissed him after the finals, just before nationals) and bring kei all the way to tokyo. they don’t win championships but they celebrate anyway and kuroo promises everyone that they’d win it the following year.

bokuto and kei meet kenma and it wasn’t so much as the latter two getting along as it was mutual distaste in bokuto and kuroo’s loudness.

kenma eventually began liking bokuto though, because he played games with him. kei, in turn, had disappeared to meet with his brother who studied somewhere in tokyo, only to come back just before they had to leave.

when the three of them had to head back home to miyagi, kenma had looked at him for a while, like he was trying to read him, as he always used to, before hugging him (which was _quite_ the shock).

“i’m happy for you.” he’d said.

“tetsuroooooooooooooooou!” bokuto had yelled just right after and he turns to see kei waiting idly while bokuto grinned, waving madly for him to _come over_ _already_ because the train was arriving soon.

kuroo laughs before turning back to kenma and squeezing him one last time, kenma looks at him with a small smile. and kuroo begins to understand what he’d said just a few moments ago as he walked away and laced his fingers with bokuto’s before _finally_ heading back home.

 

 

bokuto is frantic the morning after. because aki, kei’s brother, had texted him late last night asking how kei was and could he _please_ make sure kei’s alright because _something_ had happened but he was already asleep and kuroo tries to recount if there was something strange with kei last night and he couldn’t quite remember, perhaps because bokuto and him were too busy texting all their friends about the tournament and _hadn’t thought enough of kei._ bokuto is so, _so_ frantic that kuroo has to remind the other boy to breathe.

but bokuto _can’t_ because kei isn’t at home and his mom isn’t at home and no one is at home and _where is kei?_

that day, kuroo feels that perhaps they lost something when they find kei curled up underneath the piano of his own home, only a few hours shy of the sun setting.

 

 

for the rest of the break, they barely see kei, his mom only shaking her head whenever they come by. one time, he’d met akiteru just as he was coming home from practice and just as the older boy was exiting the house, aki spares him a small smile before patting his head, telling him _you’d grown taller_ with that same gentle voice he always had and walking away.

bokuto tells him that kei only started piano because he wanted to perform with his brother, who played the violin ever since he was a little kid, tells him that when kei visited akiteru in tokyo, he didn’t find aki’s name in the orchestral team he always bragged about, that there was a different set of names for the soloists and none of them had his brother’s name, that akiteru hasn’t picked up a violin in months, tells him that kei would never tell them so he’s telling kuroo now so that he could understand.

he doesn’t say it out loud but he finds the feeling of there being no space to fit himself in-between bokuto and kei familiar, although he appreciates it immensely that bokuto and kei always do their best to make space for him.

 

 

they break up a few weeks later, prior to their third year in high school. and it wasn’t so much a break up as it was a mutual decision to go back to being friends. because kuroo thinks they’re better friends than lovers, that’s what kuroo says because he’s the one to bring it up. bokuto looks at him for a while before smiling a little, says _okay, i think so too._

it took kuroo a while to realize that he might have loved bokuto, but probably not enough. and while kuroo was important, kei was everything, _everything_ to bokuto. even when said boy hadn’t realized it yet.

 

 

when kei started his first year in high school, he had a cold glint in his eye that never really went away no matter how much kuroo or bokuto made him laugh. he didn’t bind his fingers, neither did he play with his exerciser. he introduced kuroo to new music, types that fit kei’s style but not the classical pieces he used to play all day long.

kei watches them play volleyball now, sometimes. most times, he had his notebooks out, studying for whatever it was that first years study. he overhears one of the third years from kei’s school (because kuroo’s high school was different from kei’s) recruiting him into the club on a practice tournament between their schools once, if only because he was tall with lithe fingers and could genuinely be an asset to the club if he worked hard.

kuroo catches kei’s fingers twitch before he hides them in his pockets, almost as if the idea of hitting a volleyball frightened his fingers that were used to only the heaviness and the lightness of pressing on ivory keys even as his face remained impassive, rejecting the offer completely.

he thinks there are parts of kei that are still the same and there are parts that aren’t and he doesn’t know how he should feel about that. he also thinks that it was so easy to slip back into friendship with bokuto when they have the same worried gazes looking at kei and back to each other and thinks, this is fine. _bokuto still feels a lot like home, so does miyagi and so does kei._

 

 

it takes them a few weeks to tell kei they aren’t together anymore (he doesn’t quite remember why he and bokuto were so afraid). and kei is surprised, his mouth opening into an ‘oh’, unsure of what to say.

kuroo laughs and claps his back casually, because all’s been said and done and he and bokuto were still good friends and bokuto joins in, ruffles kei’s hair, cracks a joke, and they all come together the same way they all used to and kuroo thinks he sees a glimpse of relief in kei’s face and he wonders what that’s for.

“are you okay?” kei says this into the silence when it’s just kuroo and him walking back home and kuroo’s reminded that being around kei somehow always meant comfort.

he finds out the earlier relief was because kei was worried of losing them. because kei found difficulty in expressing himself in words, sometimes even in actions; stumbling over what he had to do to make sure he wasn’t hurting anyone because it was somehow like that with kei, he thinks people always had one foot out the door when it came to him—thinks that’s how easily people could walk out of his life when it’s him. he didn’t think he could keep both, didn’t think he should be selfish as to keep both even when he wanted to. but he was afraid that keeping both would hurt the other and so he asks, _are you okay? is it okay to want to keep both of you in my life? i don’t want to lose either of you, so is it okay? to be selfish like this?_

the truth is, kei’s emotions were probably more attached and in tune with the people he cared about more than bokuto and kuroo were. he poured himself in relationships that’s why it was so easy for him to feel hurt when the people around him were hurt, that’s why kuroo understands that kei prefers to keep people from a distance, only letting a few people in.

so that night, kuroo smiles at him in the most genuine way and tells him that _it hurts. it hurts, because i love him a lot and he made my insides feel alive and it’s okay when i’m around everyone but some nights, i think of him and i can’t fall asleep but it’s going to be okay and i’m working towards being okay because i love him and it might hurt right now but i’m going to be right by his side and yours, too. that’s why it’s okay._

that night, kei touches the piano for the first time in weeks—maybe, months, and plays for him. and then he scoots over to let kuroo play twinkle, twinkle little stars and kuroo watches kei light up when he remembers he’d learned the variations of that same song and begins to play it just to entertain kuroo and kuroo grins, laughs, thinks he really, _really_ will be alright.

 

 

they get to nationals for the spring tournament and bring kei along over to tokyo. kuroo is the captain of the volleyball team and he leads them into championships and by the end of the tournament, bokuto’s brandishing the trophy on his hands with a wide smile, like he’s on top of the world.

when the team finally goes outside, it takes bokuto fifteen seconds to spot kei in the crowd, who was waiting for them, before he’s handing over the trophy to just about anyone in the team whose hands are empty and running towards kei with an almost full-out sprint before grabbing all 188 centimeters of him onto the air and onto his back and spinning him around breathless before setting him back onto the ground.

“we won! we won!”

kei’s face is red in embarrassment and kuroo is brought back to the very first day he’d met bokuto koutarou and he quietly watches kei hit the back of bokuto’s head while the latter eyes kei tenderly, even as he pouts and whines to the younger boy.

it took kuroo a long time to realize that in the same way kenma was everything to kuroo, to bokuto, kei was everything as well, except more. he realizes that kei was more than everything to the boy, more than what could be put into words, more than a childhood friend you want to protect, more than _anyone_. kei was the world (more than a friend, and even more than a lover; bokuto left his soul bare for kei without asking for anything in return) and somehow, inexplicably, kuroo couldn’t blame him for ever loving kei like that. kei deserved the world and more, nothing less.

before he could even move, he sees kei begin to bound towards him, and in the very same way, bokuto follows behind closely, like a puppy. and kuroo smiles wide.

“we won!”

bokuto wraps either of his arms around the both of them as they head home and kuroo thinks, _i’m home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- i wrote this one first before i wrote sunflowers on skin and there are some parallels that come from the fact i didn't know i was even gonna publish anything in the first place jsdksja aka tsukki as a musician but that's fine because he's always one to me. also, i wrote this before i read the manga so there might be some ooc-ness, skjsjssjs.
> 
> \- i only got the feel to just publish this already now since it was just rotting in my drafts (i started writing in january) and if i don't post it now, when will i ever? 
> 
> \- OH, ALSO. because it was my birthday yesterday and i wanted to post something, i'm actually working on an iwaoi part 2 flowers on skin au but that's way harder to finish. anyway, i basically have almost all of the content for this one done except the last part (which is the hardest Thing to write) so i'm just gonna dive in.
> 
> comments and upvotes are always appreciated! hmu on twt @[augustevere](https://twitter.com/augustevere) if you wanna!


	2. three and four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes, love is too complicated, puzzles and knots and everything confusing. and sometimes it's simple, sometimes it's just a sweet kiss on the cheek, sometimes it's just letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tooru and daichi.

iii. 

he and bokuto move to tokyo for university the following year and it’s different from the way they were both used to and kuroo feels just a bit winded but he thinks he’ll be alright. bokuto heads into the national team and is rarely ever around for university and kuroo goes to pursue law.

really, kuroo planned to live peacefully. but peace was sort-of impossible with the way his newly-found friends hosted parties left and right and kuroo found himself intoxicated more days than he was sober and while there were many, _many_ things he found he regretted over such ventures, oikawa tooru wasn’t one of them.

he meets tooru a few weeks into university, one of too many vodka shots in his hand to actually recognize the difference between left and right (except that this boy with his stupid, _stupid_ handsome face with a sly smirk has him thinking clothes are fucking unnecessary and that’s just about it).

when he wakes up in the morning, his head pounding with no recollection of whatever it was that he did the previous night and completely naked, he has half the mind to call kei, almost instinctively, or bokuto (but god knows what that idiot would say anyway) but he doesn’t because he doesn’t quite know what to say, _um, my head is pounding and i’m completely naked next to a handsome (as fuck) stranger that is also completely naked and i don’t know what to do, what the fuck do i do?_ yeah, no.

so he does what he could.

when the handsome (as fuck) stranger wakes up to the smell of breakfast and enters kuroo’s kitchen with _kuroo’s_ clothes, kuroo finds himself floored.

“i… uh… good morning, i have breakfast here, and aspirin, if… you need it. what’s your name again?”

the boy laughs softly, and _god,_ does his voice feel like an angel’s, says, “oikawa tooru.” just before gliding ( _fuck, is he floating?)_ towards him and pressing his mouth against kuroo’s and it feels quite a bit like kuroo’s losing his mind.

they get up around 12 noon. well, tooru does (after he spent the past hour just curling into kuroo’s chest. _fuck,_ kuroo thinks) as kuroo watched him get dressed into his clothes from the previous night.

“so, um. this is all backwards but, wanna get coffee sometime?” kuroo blurts out ungracefully, _fuck._

“are you asking me out on a date?” tooru’s mouth curls up into a flirty smile and he bursts out into a soft chuckle that has kuroo melting from the insides, _dear god, help me._

“yeah, only if you want to.” _thank fuck_ he regained his senses.

the other boy gives him a soft smile before kissing him on the cheeks, “sure. tomorrow, 8 in the morning, university café. see you.”

then he’s gone and kuroo feels inebriated over something not quite alcoholic but perhaps just as wild. _oikawa tooru, oikawa tooru, oikawa tooru._

he learns much, much later that oikawa tooru is just as much a star in the volleyball world as bokuto and thinks, _dear god, what is it with me and volleyball players?_

 

 

coffee goes great but tooru has new ammo because it seems that he’s in the same group of friends as bokuto and kuroo briefly thinks his life is coming to an end.

“you were your volleyball club’s captain and you even won nationals last year! god, i’m such an idiot, i didn’t even recognize you.”

oikawa tooru has this smile on his face that makes kuroo feel a bit dopey and he can’t quite focus on anything but his smile but he _swears_ he’ll pull through this.

“i didn’t recognize you either. i’m the even bigger idiot, what was i doing with my life that i missed seeing an ethereal being such as you in the courts?”

tooru blinks at him before bursting out into laughter and kuroo finds himself grinning back stupidly because _god, happiness looks good on him_.

“i hadn’t been able to play well in the semi-finals and we lost at match point, you see.”

and kuroo sees a tinge of sadness reflected in the other boy’s orbs and couldn’t help but feel it was familiar, _kei,_ except that he brushes that off to ruffle tooru’s hair which has said boy pouting and whining, a playful glint appearing in his eyes as he complains, “hey! i spent the first two hours of my morning fixing that!”

kuroo thinks, _tokyo isn’t so bad._

 

 

he asks tooru to move in with him on the third month of them dating and tooru grins at him sincerely, nodding his head as he kissed kuroo’s cheeks.

tooru calls him ‘tetsu-chan’ and they build a rhythm that has them falling into each other deeper than kuroo has ever had to love someone in his life.

they go out late into the night to buy themselves ice cream, sits on swings that would remind kuroo of his childhood except that he’s busy pressing his mouth against tooru’s until he feels ice cream dripping on his hand from it having been melted by the heat. he would always grimace and tooru would always pull him back into the kiss with a soft laugh that has kuroo feeling like the world is falling away.

they go into late-night cinemas watching alien movies which would be a waste of money if it hadn’t caused tooru’s eyes to gleam so bright in happiness and wonder and _god, kuroo loves him._

they reach into each other’s worlds and kuroo makes space so that all of tooru could fit in in his tiny, tiny world and see what he loved—and so he could also see that kuroo loves him. he and tooru spend their days laughing into each other’s mouths and seeing the world with stars in their eyes and hope in their hearts and courage at the tip of their fingers and _love has never felt so good._

tooru starts listening to classical music in the same way kuroo always found himself doing (just after kei), explores things he hadn’t done before just to see a glimpse of who his lover was and live in his eyes and his head and his heart whenever possible. kuroo learns to study the constitution with the noise of a volleyball constantly hitting the ground on nights tooru stays inside the volleyball court until he’s drenched in sweat and slumped on the floor and kuroo waits because he has to make sure tooru doesn’t overwork himself.

they fall into each other and make space in one another’s worlds and kuroo watches tooru smile at him (and even more when he scored and he’d instinctively glance up towards where kuroo was sat in the bleachers and tooru _smiles_ ) and he thinks, _this must be what love feels like._

 

 

kuroo spends christmas and new years’ with tooru and he hasn’t been home in a while but that’s okay because kei and bokuto understand, and tooru reminds him a lot of _home_ , too.

sometimes, kuroo catches himself missing the tranquility in miyagi, the smell of strawberry and vanilla, the pressing of fingers on ivory keys, the loud laughter echoing in the silence and a hint of eyes rolling just right beside him, and the playground he could draw with just his mind from having gazed at it so often as a kid.

he downloads a piano app on his phone and plays twinkle, twinkle little star, is reminded of the day when kei’s eyes twinkled under the moonlight like a pair of stars as he played the variations of twinkle, twinkle star and kuroo feels a bit homesick.

kei still sends him messages occasionally and they still talk, but not very often, but that’s okay because kuroo knows that when he needs kei, kei would always be right there and so will he. life’s just a bit busy right now but they still have one another and things are okay.

 

 

a year in, laughter and antics turn into arguments and yelling filled with anger that leaves them both spent and exhausted, he doesn’t know how love could turn this ugly. he supposes that’s what comes with falling out of love and he doesn’t, _doesn’t_ understand how you could love someone one moment and not love them anymore the next.

falling in love with tooru reminded him of whirlwinds, like getting hit by a truck without any warning signs; there were no breaks, no harness to break the fall or soften the blow and all he did was fall, fall, _fall._ too strong, too hard, too fast, and then like every single ride, every single disaster, they’re gone long before you could even hold out your hand to stop them from leaving.

they did it all backwards until the only thing left for them to do were to fall apart. he tore himself piece by piece, giving everything that he could because that’s what tooru did too, until there was no more left to give. because they consumed and consumed and _consumed_ , until all they could do was stop.

 

 

tooru moves out, without warning, because they were tired of all the yelling and the exhaustion of just _being together_ so he ups and leaves, taking every trace of him along with it—clothes, pictures, boxes, _everything_ ; because all great storms _(and all great love )_ wreak havoc in its path and leave when it’s supposed to and while tooru took every physical trace of him as if he were never there, the ghost of his presence haunted kuroo everywhere he turned. tooru is _everywhere,_ his laughter smeared across the walls of their—his tiny apartment, his soft whispers echoing around the room like a mocking lullaby—no, a requiem.

and so kuroo throws his phone towards the wall so the laughter could stop, swipes the picture frames on the table and onto the floor, tears up newspapers and breaks everything he sees so that he could forget the sound of tooru’s voice back when they were still _them_ , and not tooru and tetsurou. he kneels and punches the floor so that he could get tooru, tooru, _tooru_ out of his head, so that the only thing he could hear are his own pitiful sobs and wishes, _needs, prays, begs_ the world to stop spinning for a while because he _can’t breathe_ and he just has to hurt for a while and he _swears_ he’ll be okay, so just _please stop, i just need to remember how to breathe again._

it takes a long, long while, kuroo thinks, when somebody finds him curled into himself on the floor, fists bleeding, eyes blurry and rimmed red. he doesn’t know how many hours—has it been a day, weeks that passed—when kei enters his apartment.

“i knocked but—”

“kei…” he murmurs, and he tries to get a grip on himself, sitting up immediately and he remembers that kei was in tokyo today looking for universities and visiting him and bokuto and—but kei is hurrying towards him and kei is saying something but he doesn’t quite understand what it is that kei says and—

the next time kuroo blinks awake, he’s on his bed and kei is by the floor, head resting on the edge of his bed, having dozed off, perhaps, from observing him.

kuroo is sober enough to carry kei onto his bed and he quietly watches him curl in on his pillow, cuddling it, and chuckles softly, _bokuto has grown on him._

when he reaches his living room, however, everything’s already cleaned up as if he hadn’t just made a mess of everything a while ago and it takes him just as long to realize his bruised fists are cleaned and bound up neatly because kei is just that thorough.

when kei wakes up, he doesn’t push, only gives kuroo a piece of his favorite cake kuroo knows he’d bought _for himself_ before settling into the silence because kei seems to always know just what he needs. he lets kuroo laugh pretentiously and make jokes he only makes to avoid the elephant in the room. in turn, he lets kei into his phone (which hadn’t been broken, thank god), listens to kei talk about being annoyed that the only piano kuroo could provide was barely even the size of his one hand, and listens again when kei plays the tune to twinkle, twinkle little star, watches as his eyes light up (again) at kuroo asking him to play the variations and for the first time in weeks, _finally_ feels at home again.

 

 

it takes a bit of convincing on kuroo’s part to persuade kei that it’s okay and that he’ll finish classes first before spending his holidays back in miyagi. and he’s only convinced because kei makes him crash on bokuto and akaashi’s (bokuto’s roommate) couch for the next few weeks just until the holidays start.

and the couch is small and two days later, kuroo finds himself sleeping on the floor because it’s more comfortable than the couch and kei’s phoning him almost every day, bokuto is still his very loud self and he makes kuroo hot cocoa every morning and akaashi, although new, cooks him meals that remind him a lot of his mom’s cooking and he really, _really_ feels like he’s home.

 

 

iv.

when he goes back home for the holidays (without bokuto because he’s spending it with akaashi, kuroo doesn’t dwell too much on it), he’s in the same train as sawamura daichi, the former captain of the volleyball team in kei’s high school. they talk lightly, of volleyball and college and how things were going, because if kuroo were good in anything, it was at socializing with anyone and everyone he remotely knew the name of.

he spends almost the whole break with kei, almost as if he’d already moved in the tsukishima household (not that their parents minded, really), playing goofily on the piano even as kei glared from where he sat with his books, studying or dozing off on kei’s bed, just like old times because there’s only so much he could do with kei studying for his entrance exams.

one opportunity arises, however, when daichi shows up one afternoon at kei’s to borrow music sheets for his younger brother who apparently, kei _had taught_ at one point before kuroo went back home. so, as the good and _curious_ bestfriend that he is, he tags along with daichi, walking him home to interrogate him about kei’s _escapades_ while he and bokuto were gone.

for the rest of the break, he juggled his attention on spending time with kei when he isn’t locking himself up in his room studying and daichi whenever he could because daichi has a kind smile and a gentle voice and they could talk about a lot of things because they were both taking some courses similar to one another and volleyball was always a good option. and thinks, going home was a great idea.

 

 

kei moves to tokyo the year after, on kuroo’s third year. and it takes time, but suddenly kuroo feels like he’s still at home even when he was all the way in tokyo because he _knows_ just the right places to take kei to that tastes like home so that they never feel too far and there are good music stores he _knows_ kei would just absolutely adore and he can’t help but imagine just what kind of reaction kei would have to know there was _so much_ to love in tokyo that he didn’t have to feel out of place. because kuroo knows what it feels to be alone in such a big place when you’d just moved from a smaller town and he has to make sure kei doesn’t have to feel that way.

it feels like home because he’s with kei and bokuto and daichi a lot and everything feels a little like it’s slowly fixing itself together again (he sees tooru on screen one time during a volleyball tournament and his chest doesn’t hurt anymore).

 

 

it takes a few train stations every time but the trips are worth if it means he gets to see daichi’s smile. even if it only meant half an hour, fifteen minutes, ten. kuroo thinks it’s worth it.

 

 

“will you go out with me?” kuroo asks, and although he thinks he looks pretty cool right now, with pink peonies on his hands, he’s pretty sure his palms are sweating and he could, maybe, use a seat right now because his knees are slightly weakened and he thinks he’s forgetting how to stand.

daichi says yes. so, kuroo bounds—jumps forward and hugs him tightly, grinning from ear-to-ear.

 

 

they go out for coffee and study dates and he revels in making daichi smile.

he finds himself attending university volleyball matches (and sheepishly cheering for daichi’s team even when the university on the other side is his own) and gives different types of flowers to daichi for every match. _sunflowers, daisies, daffodils, lilies, tulips, roses._

it’s peaceful and comfortable and warm and being with someone who loves you for you are and settling in and being comfortable and just being at the right place.

 

 

when he’s not with daichi, he finds himself spending his time with kei and it feels a lot like miyagi all over again.

late night walks and buying ice cream he doesn’t have to convince kei to go to and cooking dinner because kei often forgets that he has to eat when all that’s left in his head are the wrong ways he’d played a piece in one of his practice runs. kuroo finds that while kei has grown older, sometimes—a lot of the time, he still needs people to look after him.

kei still wears his headphones even as he walks alone at night and kuroo has to remind him that this is tokyo and there are many more things to be cautious about but kei never really listens so kuroo just has to make sure kei actually manages to get home safe.

kei might be clever in all the little ways that make people quirk smiles in amusement and a lot of people gradually learn to adore him but that doesn’t mean he was good at _everything_. because for one, he couldn’t cook, and the last time he tried to, he’d nearly burned his own kitchen. and he forgets to eat and some days, forgets to clean up after himself, forgets, forgets, _forgets._ kei forgets a lot of things and some days, kuroo’s convinced the only thing he doesn’t ever forget is his music and the way he’s so attuned to it.

it’s easy when he convinces kei to live with him, because akiteru is all up for it and kuroo learned over the years that it only takes one small nudge from akiteru and a couple more nudges from either bokuto or kuroo to have him complying. and kuroo notices even more things he hadn’t known since he’d left miyagi and he relearns kei all over again.

like how kei had managed to mess up his sleeping pattern and couldn’t sleep before 1 am (which they’re still both working on), like how kei learned to successfully cook one thing and those were strawberry pancakes and even then, he liked kuroo’s better, how he gets clingy when he’s sleepy or had just woken up, how he sleeps with his grip exerciser just by his bedside, how sometimes he’s more comfortable sleeping under the piano than his own bed. and kuroo learns and learns and _learns_ and finds that he doesn’t really mind, he never really did.

 

 

he finds himself watching kei play the guitar one night in a café he and bokuto learn kei usually plays in (they really only sneak in) and it’s not like any piano recital they’d attended from when they were kids but kei’s strumming and humming a tune and it sends the same shivers down his spine and he wonders briefly how anyone could ever look as beautiful as kei was in that moment.

 

 

sometimes, kei laughs and he finds himself holding his breath and wanting to hold the younger boy’s hand.

 

 

he wonders, he wonders, _he wonders_ how long he’s been in love with kei or if he’d just fallen in love with him—but one thing he was sure of was that he was, _he is._

 

 

it was easy to get swept into everything that was daichi, almost natural. because daichi was patience and kindness and learning how to give yourself another chance.

falling into him was easy, and letting go isn’t as easy because _god knows_ he doesn’t want to hurt daichi but if there’s one thing he was sure of, it was this. it was letting go so daichi could find the happiness he deserved because kuroo _—kuroo loves kei_.

daichi laughs the day they say goodbye, softly and in the same way he did the day kuroo realized he’d fallen in love with him. _it took you a long time,_ he says easily, like it was that easy (and perhaps it was, in some way. daichi talks as if he’d known all along and maybe he’d long come to terms with it before kuroo ever did). there’s sadness in his eyes when he stands up and bids kuroo goodbye, a glint that comes with letting a love go (he should know, he’d seen it in the reflection of his own mirror before).

there’s an emptiness in his chest that comes with daichi walking away, head held high with a smile that _still_ makes the world so much brighter. and kuroo thinks, _it was a good kind of love while it lasted._ but even then, he inhales, closes his eyes and holds his breath for ten seconds, exhales and feels everything start all over again.

he loved kei, _loves_ kei. everyone knew it before he did. just knowing this, _just thinking_ about kei makes him feel like he could fly.

in the midst of it all, even with him being broken in and bruised, kuroo finds everything finally, _finally_ begin falling into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one. there's the kind of love you think you'll have for the rest of your life, the first one that never quite works out. 
> 
> two. there's also the kind of love you don't think too much about because you're young and there's so much time but when it ends, it still hurts, because you loved them too. even if some days you were sure it was gonna end at one point.
> 
> three. and then there's the kind of love you just fall into, hard and fast and beautifully, they spark light in your world and everything feels much lighter and imagining life without them just feels weird because in that moment, they feel like the closest semblance to how forever should be, the one you think could have been your greatest love, perhaps--but there are gaps the both of you can't fill in and you eventually outgrow one another. they're not meant to be with you forever.
> 
> four. there's also the kind of love that feels closest to home, like your mother's cooking or meeting an old friend, like finally realizing love could be simple like this, like smiling and laughing and being comfortable and giving yourself another chance. just enjoying love for what it could be, for what it is right now.
> 
> five. and then.
> 
> (i loved tooru's part the most. hehehehe. he was the biggest one.)
> 
> ONE MORE. it might take quite a while though because i haven't written it, skajkas. i hope you liked it! comments and upvotes are always appreciated! hmu on twt @[augustevere](https://twitter.com/augustevere) if you wanna!


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